One of my clients is a school. When I have a meeting there, I like to arrive a few minutes early, in part, because it’s often fascinating to observe the staff and students. The chair I usually pick in the lobby is at the crossroads of two hallways, so it’s possible to hear what’s going on inside a couple of classrooms and see the kids as they transition from one space to another.
It’s also a great opportunity to pick up leadership tips from the staff. Two examples here:
Tough Love
One day in the lobby, I saw a teacher pull a student aside. He said, “Yo [student], come here for a second. We need to talk. I love you, and I need you to get it together.” The teacher then gave direct feedback to the student about his behavior and what needed to change.
I loved it.
When the teacher started the feedback with “I love you,” it was both a signal that even though the feedback was tough, the student was still valued and a member of the tribe. In other words, it is a textbook example of psychologically safe feedback.
In a conversation with Jennifer Garner, Wharton professor Adam Grant described how this kind of structure is important for the feedback to be received well. He said, “My favorite experiment shows that you can say 19 words and people become dramatically more receptive to what you’re about to deliver: ‘I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I’m confident you can reach them.’”
When the person knows the feedback is meant to help them, they listen.
Taking Ownership
Another day, I saw a student sitting with a staff member in the lobby. I didn’t see the preceding events, but I suspect the student was essentially in time-out to recenter himself.
The staff member gave this coaching to the boy: “I was impressed that you were frustrated at yourself rather than at other people or other things.” She went on to talk to the student about why it’s fine to have strong emotions, as long as you channel the energy in a positive way.
It’s a great lesson for kids as they develop their emotional intelligence, but it also reminded me of how much adults often need that same lesson in the midst of frustration. In my coaching, after hearing stories about challenges people face, I often ask a version of, “How did your actions contribute to the situation?”
It’s usually easier to see what everyone else has done to cause issues, but creating a better situation usually requires identifying what we can control about the path forward. When the staff member congratulated the student on being frustrated at himself rather than with others, it was reinforcing the benefit of taking ownership over our actions—a lesson that’s good for all ages!