Recently, in a leadership development workshop in which I coached, a participant expressed that he was stuck on how to provide appreciation to his team. What was notable about his description of the situation, however, was that his view of appreciation was completely based on the kind of appreciation he would want, rather than what his team members would value.
Realizing that he needed to reset his lens on the challenge was an important unlock for him. Upon hearing his reflection, another participant in the workshop suggested that he read The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace by Gary Chapman and Paul White.
I too bought that book, which revises the love languages framework from Chapman’s original book on relationships—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, tangible gifts, physical touch—and applies it to how people want to feel appreciated at work.
A few of the insights I gained from the book:
Insight 1: It’s important to deliver appreciation in the language of the person who is receiving it.
Chapman and White write that “We all tend to communicate to others in ways that are most meaningful to us—we ‘speak our own language.’” That part was straightforward. What was striking, however, was their argument that when you get the appreciation language wrong, it can have the same effect as not offering the appreciation at all!
The authors write: “A person’s least valued language of appreciation can be experienced as a black hole in the work setting. When a colleague’s least important language of appreciation is Words of Affirmation, no matter how much praise you give them, it won’t seem to impact them.”
Insight 2: There needs to be a high ratio of positive to negative moments.
Chapman and White write: “When comparing 60 different business teams, the highest-performing teams had 5.6 times more positive comments than negative remarks. Conversely, the teams who were the lowest performers had 2.8 negative remarks for every positive comment made.”
Interestingly, this almost exactly mirrors the ratio of positive to negative feelings that researcher John Gottman, in Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, suggests “separates contented couples from those in deep marital misery.” Gottman writes:
“That magic ratio is 5 to 1. In other words, as long as there is five times as much positive feeling and interaction between husband and wife as there is negative, we found the marriage was likely to be stable. It was based on this ratio that we were able to predict whether couples were likely to divorce: in very unhappy couples, there tended to be more negative than positive interaction.”
Insight 3: Open-ended questions may not be helpful.
Specifically, for those whose primary language of appreciation is Acts of Service, Chapman and White recommend asking, “Is there anything I could do for you that would make your work go better for you this week?”
This question aims to elicit more specific responses. Chapman and White write: “Their answer may surprise you, but you will now have valuable information on how you can most effectively express appreciation to that particular individual. We have found that emphasizing ‘make your work go better’ (rather than ‘easier’) and focusing on the present (‘this week’) provides more useful responses than a global, open-ended ‘Do you need help on anything?’”
This point also applies to home life. Asking how to make things better this week might be useful for those who aren’t on cooking duty this Thanksgiving and are looking for ways to help!
Leadership Wisdom
“Recognition is largely about behavior. ‘Catch them doing what you want and recognize it,’ the books say. Appreciation, conversely, focuses not only on performance but also affirms the employee’s value as a person.”
— Gary Chapman and Paul White, in The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace