Blank Stares and Missing Questions

As an executive coach, it’s important to be intentional about how you ask questions. For example, I’ll generally avoid closed-ended questions—those that could be answered Yes or No—because they don’t encourage people to explore their thought process. We also prefer What or How questions over Why questions because the latter might prompt someone to feel defensive. (This is broadly applicable. Just think of the difference between “Why did you do that?” and “What factors drove your decision?”)

Because of that experience, I’ve become much more intentional about how I ask questions outside of work, and it leads to awkward situations when I forget that others aren’t as diligent about their question phrasing. 

Do you need anything else? No.

Will you be coming back? Maybe. 

I swear I’m not trying to be rude in those situations. In fact, I’m usually trying to be considerate by answering the exact question the other person has asked and by not assuming that they wanted something else! 

What gets me in the most trouble, however, is the non-response to a non-question. For example, “Let me know if you have a problem with this,” or “Let me know in the next five minutes if you want to add anything to the dinner order.” 

I take those prompts literally—if I don’t have a problem or don’t want to add to the order, there’s nothing to let them know. Ironically, when I don’t respond to those prompts, it typically causes the other person to check back in with a direct question. “I didn’t see a response. Do you have an issue?” 

With my kids, the non-response to a non-question is actually a parenting strategy. It most often sounds like:

I’m hungry. 

OK. 

[Blank stares, more whining.]

Here’s what I want you to do. Gather yourself, think about it, and then ask me what you want. 

Can you make dinner soon?

That’s the first time you’ve made a reasonable and direct request. I’m going to start cooking at 5 pm. 

In my experience, missing questions often come from unstated assumptions about the relationship. With my kids, they expect that stating a problem implies that I’m obligated to solve it—like I’m their servant. Of course, I refuse to accept that power dynamic. If I did, next thing you know, I’d be one of those parents who immediately take their kid’s backpack when picking them up from school, like the valet at a nice hotel. Never!  🙂

At work, I most often see this as bosses assuming that whatever they say to a direct report is taken implicitly as a command. When they say, “the report is due to Finance by 5 pm,” they leave out, “and I’m assuming that you’ll do it regardless of what else you have on your work or personal agenda.”

Another flavor of the missing question is providing feedback in the form of “I don’t like that behavior.” Implicit in the statement is, “Because I don’t like it, you should change your behavior.” 

For example, in a recent coaching meeting, a client and I explored the behaviors of someone on their team that were leading to trust issues. I asked, “How did the person respond when you told them what behaviors you expect?” The answer was that the client had not, in reality, told the other person what they expected or asked the other person to agree to meet the expectation. They were getting a non-response because the critical question was missing!

Beyond my personal neurosis about questions, we can avoid lots of conflict by being more intentional about how we ask them. Rather than “It’s important to complete the report today,” we can say, “Do you agree to complete this by 5 pm today?” Rather than “Do you want to go see Fantastic Four?”, we can say, “I would like you to accompany me to Fantastic Four on Friday at 7 pm. Will you do so?”